Dealing with Bullies
Sutter Children's Services
Dealing with Bullies
A health tip by James A. Margolis, M.D.; Child, Adolescent and Adult Psychiatry and Medical Director of Sutter Counseling Center.
Bullying, either verbal or physical, is common at schools. Many children are being bullied on a regular basis. Some forms are very subtle including extortion of lunch money, emotional abuse, etc. Why is this so common and how can parents deal with this either as the parent of the bully or victim?
Childhood is stressful and children often act out their frustrations with aggression. Bullies themselves are often victims of abuse by other bullies who can include older siblings and significant adults in their lives. Domestic violence, which is increasingly common in the families of school-aged children, often results in bullying or other types of acting out behavior. Bullying behavior can result from severe depression, PTSD, ADHD, Bipolar Disorder or be the result of a sense of failure because of learning disorders that are not being recognized and dealt with. Sometimes, the bullying is the result of misguided advice by parents, teachers or other significant adults who encourage the child to “fight back.” It may also result in the child’s identifying and modeling behaviors of their parents who have problems dealing with their own anger.
Who are the victims of bullying and what is the damage caused by this?
Often the victims are shy, withdrawn, anxious children who send out an unconscious message that says, “Don’t hurt me.” These children may have emotional and learning problems that put them at higher risk; e.g., anxiety disorders, depression, Autism or Aspergers, ADHD or any condition that makes them “different”. These circumstances put the child at higher risk for being bullied.
What do I do if my child is being bullied?
First of all acknowledge it. Go to the school and discuss the issues with your child’s teacher. Ask the child, teacher, friends, if they suspect it. Be aware of changes in behavior such as depression, withdrawal, school avoidance, declining school grades, insomnia or marked increase in sibling rivalry. These behaviors may be indications of being the victim of a bully.
Things that help include talking to your child (active listening, not lecturing), encouraging them to ignore taunts, but to feel safe in going to their teacher about real threats or violence. Encourage your child to make a friend at school with whom they can go to lunch and walk home with. In some cases, finding an older student who can befriend and mentor your child is very helpful. Be willing to see how your child’s behavior may put them at risk for being bullied and provide appropriate interventions. Meet with teacher and your child to discuss the issues. For children who have emotional issues, involvement in group therapy to improve socialization skills, assertiveness training, counseling for depression, assistance with ADHD and learning disorders, etc. can be helpful
If your child is a bully—don’t assume that they are simply bad, delinquent or anti-social. Have they been victimized, and/or suffer from a mental illness or learning disorder that needs intervention? Look at yourself as the parent. Do you have issues dealing with your own anger or are you the victim of domestic violence that continues to model aggression and victimization as the norm? Is this the time to take action in a dysfunctional relationship? Do not ignore these issues as they may signify problems that need intervention. You should discuss your concerns with the teacher. You may need to seek professional help for your child.
The school itself needs to recognize the severity of bullying going on in their school. Does it need to set up classes to help deal appropriately with student anger, offer groups for conflict resolution, sensitivity training to help students recognize the needs of special needs children in the school? As the parent of either a victim or a bully, do you need to advocate for these programs in your school.
In summary, bullying is common. Both the bully and victim may need evaluation and help. The solution lies in a good interchange between students, teachers, school administrators, parents and mental health professionals.
